there's this quotation from a poet from the german romantic era (1800-183X), and it's from holderlin, it goes:

"But where the danger is, also grows the saving power."

when i truly want something, and i am certain that it definitely will harm no-one, i feel absolutely no fear in fighting tooth and nail right to the bitter, bitter end if i have to.

people have seen me in moments like this.

this sort of... courage is very rare these days. people usually always end up feeling disturbed by how possessed i am by justice and get convinced that it actually counts for the opposite--i am a monster, actually, who will stop at nothing to get what i want.

at some points in my life people have used almost every little action i have done, especially the ones intended only to be good, as the ammunition that i actually am the opposite of what i say i am.

language can work like this, and under a brutal neoliberal system like ours, "justice" does mean "depravity". "authenticity" will mean "perfectly hidden intentions". and, "healthy boundaries" will end up counting as "almost certain constant abuse".

it has gotten that bad, and i have had to endure at lot. people don't like me talking about myself at all, even some $400/hr psychiatrists, so i am not even sure how to allow myself to acknowledge if my endurance means strength or not. i haven't even started.

but, despite what people may think, i have never broken any of the huge huge huge promises people can make as humans. in my mind i am not a monster. but, despite identity politics being very popular at one point, that cannot stand as evidence in my favour. ever.

i still cannot admit to even myself how fantastic the story of my own life already sounds at age 34.

truth is stranger than fiction.

i think it is fair to say that i was very very unlucky about when, where, and to whom i was born, and that i have shown a lot of courage in having to deal with enormous problems that would be absolute nightmares for anyone.