i decided to almost completely cut her out of my life sometime last year. this is the least contact i have ever had with her.
since distancing myself, my mental health has been the best it has ever been, since diagnosis in 2013.
mum never really took much notice or interest in what was important to me. maybe she hugged and kissed me at some points, but she usually always kicked me when i was down.
whenever i dropped out of something or collapsed in exhaustion from trying to fulfill her expectations, i received punishment. i was yelled at, and some comfort i liked was taken away from me. how many times has she made me feel useless, worthless?
when i heard the phrase, "doctor, lawyer, engineer, or dead to me", i instantly related. i am fairly certain i was mentally ill at all in the first place because of how much pressure was put on me.
she never listened to me talk about my passions. her eyes would glaze over. i look back now and feel like she must have wanted to get off the topic ASAP.
this "blood is thicker than water" saying is bullshit. if i saw a happy and loving family in my day-to-day life now, it would honestly feel jarring and uncomfortable. i don't think anyone got out of childhood in the 1990s undamaged.
i don't doubt a nuclear family can be loving and nurturing, but... yeah. i don't know any of those...
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@vidak I hope you can still find your family! I got married at 33 and since my parents live in foreign countries, I opted into the in-law family. It’s still working fine after 18 more years have passed.
I am constantly having rhetorical arguments in my head.
With everybody. But the UR-argument is with my dad, who
never accepted who I was.
Anyways I have fully embraced not paying any heed to "blood"
family as some unbreakable thing.
Blood is not thicker than water.
(Also pedantic side note, the etymology of that phrase plausibly
means the opposite anyways.)
I just wanted to add that I have been happier as a person
for dropping the notion that I have to be related to a person
for them to be family. (and conversely that if I am related to
a person that they are necessarily family)
I now have people I consider family that are and are not blood
relations and blood has no bearing on their importance to me.
Again this has been a resounding good choice for me :)
(And I have blood relations that I will never interact with
again and this is good, and them being blood relation
has no bearing on that.)
for example:
Just yesterday I gave my friends mom a ride to pick up her car.
I interact with her more than my friend does typically (no judgement)
She is very much a familial mom figure to me, and I think that is
due to me dropping these notions of prioritizing blood relations.
Oh and she made me blueberry pancakes! How "mom" is that :P
@vidak
@pkw
We are not well defined isolated beings, but intimately responsive as part of our environment and training. In particular we become a certain person in response to the people around us. I also struggled a lot with family while retraining health due to how deeply embedded those relationships and response are. 🙈
@vidak
@pkw
The challenge is to retrain your own system sufficiently such that it can remain healthy even when exposed to previously triggering relationships or circumstances. But it can take a lot of practice to get there.
Here is a mnemonic I came up with recently which I find helps to counter those moments when I notice that I am having an imaginary argument with someone in my head:
"Never allow another person to take on a narrative role in your thoughts; it is an offence to their being".
@pkw
Yeah, I consider myself to be closer to many of my friends than to my family. I think it's all about finding the most positive way we can engage.
Oh, and blueberry pancakes sounds awesome 👌 😋