this part of the year is the hardest for me

one part of it is the weather: persistent, dry 40 degree celsius heat, i can barely think or breathe sometimes. sleeping is difficult, and when i cannot sleep i am a total wreck.

i had my first psychotic attack at this time of the year, everything about the heat puts me in this head space.

the other part is human and social: turning up for the family, taking my place in the pecking order, and putting on a mask for hours/days on end.

this year i have come to dread it. to them, i am the disabled, failed, idiot black sheep of the family. "doctor, lawyer, engineer, dead to me": and i dropped out of law school in disgust.

i am sick of being asked if i am taking my meds if i don't look perfectly happy. it feels like i am just a problem to be managed. has anyone else had a parent or guardian listen to a doctor instead of you?

for the last few months i have had nothing to say to any of them. none of them have ever had any interest in me, despite my efforts to try and get praise from them. none of them actually know me, they actually never bothered to try.